Friday, July 24, 2009

FW: History made easy and so true.........

I did not create this, it was one of many email forwards, but was so funny, had to keep it before I passed it on.


For those that don't know about history. Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal    on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food is standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly MGD or Sam Adams. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, database/computer programmers and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.


  1. Funny, but in all good parody there is truth, and the sad-but-honest truth here is the original writer is clearly making fun of stereotypes... on both sides.

  2. It's this kind of stereotypical crap that is the problem with politics today. Issues that have shades of gray are portrayed as black and white. Liberals are portrayed as lazy while conservatives are portrayed as hillbillies. it's ridiculous. As someone whose husband works two jobs and 80 hours a week to provide and who is also a Democrat AND a WELS Lutheran I find the divisive nature of politics simply disugsting.

  3. So instead we should all hug and get along?

    Sorry, but there are people out there who mean to take as much power as they can, who are selfish, who have one goal in their life. As a WELS Lutheran myself (and willing to PUT MY NAME ON MY SITE SO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, more than you did, I might add) You KNOW there is EVIL in this world. It is a sinful world. This is the Devil's playground.

    Knowing that, there are a group of people who choose to fight Sin in any form it takes, including the leadership of this country. Obviously I count myself in that group. I am not going to say that there is a Party out there that is not Sinful. EVERYONE is sinful. However, when the options present themselves, choosing leadership that governs from a morality base similar to mine (ten commandments, gospels, etc) I will choose to support them.

    Evil, on the other hand, will gather it's ranks to support ANY political party that will further it's agenda - the destruction of the Christ's Church on Earth. Sometimes it does it blatantly - for example: Rome. Sometimes it does it subtly - through the diminishing of religious practices - example: marriage as a God Given institution of the church becoming legislated into a mere legal proceeding.

    What is scary to me, is when members of a church body that since 1500's has stood up against authority that tries to legislate or control it's people in actions contrary to the Word of God, now has members who feel it is OK to support candidates, by sharing political affiliations, who approve of abortion.

    Also, politics is MEANT to be divisive. When, EVER, in history has the one-party system worked for the benefit of it's society? America was founded on the principle that NEVER AGAIN will the few or the one rule over the many. As soon as you take the ability for political discussion away, to take the freedom to speak out about a concern about how you view society - as soon as you silence all but your own rhetoric - then freedom dies.

    If you don't like what I say, then don't read it. You have the freedom to not read, just as much as I have the freedom to speak my mind.

    Might I add: your attempt to marginalize the statement by calling it "stereotypical crap" just as stereotypical a 'Rules For Radicals' response as my post was playing on stereotypes. Sorry, but stereotypes exist for a reason - and so does humor. Enjoy it for what it is - humor.

  4. You have the right to say what you want as I have the right to respond how I want. Further, I agree with quite a bit of what you said. I don't think we all need to hug and get along. However, I think we can attack ideas and views and politics without necessarily attacking the people. As a Lutheran I take my vote very seriously and I have to weigh the options and vote my conscious, as does every voter. One Christian shouldn't condemn the other as a result of that. A vote for a Democrat or a vote for a Republican doesn't necessarily mean the voter is in support of EVERYTHING that candidate espouses.
    Additionally, yes politics by nature is partisan and divisive but is made much more so by making everything black and white, good and evil, right and wrong. Some issues are that clear cut but others have shades of gray although you'd never know that by talking to most Republicans. You mention abortion and while I myself am pro-life the fact that many Republicans vote simply on that issue baffles me. When has a Republican president ever done anything to change the abortion laws? Furthermore, most GOP candidates make statements like, "I'm pro-life EXCEPT in the instances of rape, incests, etc." So then technically they are pro-choice. Voting solely on that issue is silly considering not much has ever changed on this issue regardless of what party is in office.
    As far as a church body supporting "sinful" candidates, as you point out they are all sinful and every single one goes against some part of our beliefs. So, how can you call one more sinful than the other and "mandate" all Christians vote Republican. Where was this moral absolute when Bush was leading us into a war that was unjustified. It's interesting that he on more than one occassion said, "God told me to go into Afghanistan so I did." Most Republicans lauded his deep faith, yada yada, yet when anyone else claims they are listening to God they are labled terrorists, etc. (and I'm not saying Bush is a terrorits, just that there is a vast discrepency on moral uprightness when it comes to sweeping under the rug the sings of a Republican candidate yet going nuclear when sins are committed by a member of another party).
    And yes, I get the humor and I am about as far from a radical as you can get....well, without being a RWE. :) Most would even guess I were a Republican...which is partly my point. I share views of both sides, which is why I find the labeling (by both sides) so ridiculous. Not everyone fits neatly into a category.

    Anyway, I thought I would try reading this blog as it seemed interesting however, you've apparently made it clear you don't want anyone who disagrees with you or comments annonymously to read your blog. See ya around church!